The Resilient Self: Why Flexibility and Boundaries Go Hand in Hand
- Sarah Ryan
- Jan 18
- 2 min read
Seems to me that healthy psychology really thrives on three key things: Flexibility, Knowing yourself and living authentically,
and holding boundaries.
It may at first glance look as though these qualities are at odds with each other; though they actually work together seamlessly - in fact they are vital to the health of each one..
Flexibility allows you to stay open and curious about the world and other people, which is essential for growth and connection.
Knowing yourself - being deeply rooted in who you are - gives you the clarity and inner stability to hold your own perspective without feeling threatened.
And boundaries provide the structure that keeps you safe and empowered while staying engaged with others.
The problem comes when someone doesn’t feel anchored in themselves. If you don’t have a solid sense of self, being flexible or open can feel too risky - like you might lose your footing or be overly influenced. In that case, rigidity can feel like a form of protection, but it’s really just defence, fear disguised as a boundary.
When you’re rooted in yourself, though, there’s no need for that fear. You can afford to stay curious and open without fear of losing your boundaries or your sense of self. So those three - flexibility, self-awareness, and boundaries - aren’t just compatible; they’re essential to each other. And if one is missing, it can make the others harder to embody. That’s why it’s so important to understand how they work together.
And if you don’t know yourself or haven’t worked through some of your deeper wounds, defence mechanisms can act as barriers to being open and curious. Openness means allowing yourself to feel deeply, and that can bring you face-to-face with emotions or experiences you’ve avoided. There’s an anecdote amongst therapists that a breakdown can be necessary for a breakthrough to occur.. and that in some cases without which real growthful change is unlikely.. because when someone’s psychic structure is too rigid, meaningful change requires some kind of radical, forceful breaking through.. some shock to the system to get past the otherwise impenetrable defense system that blocks growth entirely.. Perhaps this is also why a dark night of the soul or a shocking incident can actually be seen, on reflection as a noble adversary - something that cut through you to facilitate growth, and personal confrontation in a strangely inspiring way.
"Pain Is the Touchstone To All Spiritual Growth" - Eckhart Tolle.
This idea also relates to Gestalt therapy, which describes clients as sometimes needing either “solvent” to dissolve their rigidity or “glue” to build up more structure when there isn’t enough grounding within them. It’s a helpful metaphor for understanding why some people struggle with flexibility or boundaries - they might need to address the underlying structure of their inner world first. Until that work is done, openness can feel overwhelming or even impossible, but healing those wounds creates the foundation for flexibility, self-awareness, and healthy boundaries to flourish.
