A client sits across the room, bewildered. The relationship is over, yet the confusion remains. “I just don’t understand,” they say. “How could they switch like that? How could they say those things with such conviction when they know they’re not true?”
The mind struggles to reconcile what has happened. It searches for some coherent explanation - some logical thread that will make sense of the relentless distortions, the contradictions, the moments of tenderness followed by cruelty. But there is no thread. Because a narcissist does not deal in reality. They create it. And that, perhaps, is the most dangerous aspect of all.
Gaslighting vs. Confabulation: Intent vs. Delusion
Clients often ask, Do they know what they’re doing? The answer is complicated. Some do. Some don’t.
Gaslighting is intentional - it is the deliberate act of making someone question their own memory and perception. The narcissist knowingly bends reality to suit their needs, shifting timelines, altering facts, and rewriting events. It is psychological warfare designed to destabilise and disempower.
But what is perhaps more unsettling is when the narcissist actually believes their own distortions. This is where confabulation comes in. Confabulation is the unintentional creation of false memories. It’s not a conscious deception - it’s the brain’s way of filling in gaps with whatever makes the most emotional or psychological sense at the time. For a narcissist, these gaps are enormous.
Where most people use confabulation in response to neurological impairment (as seen in conditions like Korsakoff’s syndrome), narcissists do it as a defence mechanism. When reality does not conform to their fragile self-image, they adjust reality itself. In this way, they are not merely lying - they are living within an alternate reality of their own design.
More Dangerous Than Psychopaths?
A common assumption is that psychopaths are the greater threat - they lack empathy, they are calculated, cold. And yet, in many ways, a narcissist lost in their own delusion is more insidious.
A psychopath can see reality clearly - they simply don’t care. They know right from wrong, they just choose what benefits them. But a narcissist - especially a pathological one - does not just twist reality for others, they twist it for themselves. And they believe it. Which means they can argue their case with absolute conviction, rewrite history without hesitation, and gaslight not as an act of manipulation, but as a manifestation of their own warped perception.
As Carl Jung wrote, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.” The narcissist cannot afford to look within. To do so would threaten the carefully constructed delusion upon which their entire identity depends. Instead, they become lost in it. And if you try to reason with someone who is delusional - if you attempt to show them a reality they have no capacity to acknowledge - you will fail.
Don’t Try to Argue With the Delusion
One of the most painful things for clients coming out of these relationships is the realisation that they will never get accountability. They will never get the narcissist to see what they did. Not because they refuse to - but because they cannot. The argument is never about truth. It is about the narcissist’s ability to construct a reality that keeps them safe.
Irvin Yalom, writing about therapy, said: “The ultimate concern is meaninglessness: If life has no meaning, what keeps us from falling into despair?”
For a narcissist, meaning is survival, and survival is self-preservation. And that self-preservation comes at the expense of reality itself. They do not seek truth. They seek comfort. The kind of comfort that requires obliterating anything that contradicts their narrative - especially you.
So, what is the advice for a client struggling with the sheer wrongness of it all? Do not seek justice. Do not seek reason. You cannot rationalise with the irrational. You cannot force clarity upon someone whose mind operates in distortion. What you can do is step away, regain your own grasp on reality, and - most painfully - accept that you will never get the validation you seek.
The narcissist is lost in a waking dream of their own creation. You cannot wake them. But you can wake yourself.
Who Becomes the Target? The Work That Can Be Done
While anyone can become entangled with a narcissist, research suggests that certain personality traits or life experiences may make some individuals more vulnerable. Those who grew up with narcissistic parents, for example, may unconsciously find themselves drawn into similar dynamics in adulthood - not because they want to repeat the cycle, but because it is familiar. Others may struggle with a lack of solid self-identity, making them more susceptible to external validation and control.
The concept of echoism - a term coined by Dr Craig Malkin - describes individuals who tend to put others’ needs above their own, minimise themselves, and fear attention. This can create the “perfect” counterpart to a narcissist, as they are primed to accommodate and tolerate behaviour that others might immediately reject.
One of the most important distinctions is not whether someone can be targeted by a narcissist, but whether they stay. Some people recognise the warning signs and leave quickly. Others - due to deep-seated trauma bonds, conditioning, or fears of abandonment - become trapped for years, even decades.
This is where the real work begins. The narcissist will not change. They will never acknowledge what they have done. But you can examine the part of you that overlooked red flags, that rationalised the chaos, that stayed long after the truth became evident.
The good news is that recognising these patterns creates an opportunity - an opportunity to break the cycle, to strengthen one’s sense of self, and, most importantly, to ensure that the next time a narcissist comes along, the door remains firmly shut.
Healing is not about receiving closure from them. Closure comes from understanding the why - why they behaved the way they did, why you were drawn into it, and most importantly, why you no longer have to participate.
