When thinking about healing insecure attachment within ourselves and those we love.. how do we provide the reassurance that fosters security without reinforcing the fear that drives the need for constant proximity? It’s a real dilemma.
The key is bringing the dynamic into consciousness. When someone has an insecure attachment style, they seek closeness and reassurance not because they are simply needy, but because they don’t trust in the consistency of the connection. If the person they’re attached to responds by always being immediately available, it may soothe the anxiety in the moment, but it can also reinforce the belief that they need constant external reassurance to feel safe.
So what do we do? We hold both truths. We acknowledge the need for security while also recognising that real security doesn’t come from someone else being perpetually present - it comes from developing an internal sense of trust in the connection and within ourselves, so we are not always seeking external security to feel safe.
A conscious conversation about this dynamic is key. Something like:
“I want you to feel safe with me, and I am here for you. But real security doesn’t come from me proving that I’m here every second - it comes from knowing that our connection is solid even when I’m not immediately present. If I always responded instantly, I’d be reinforcing the idea that you’re only safe if I’m here, and that’s not the truth. The truth is, you are safe, and our connection is safe, even when we aren’t together.”
It’s about making space for both - providing enough reassurance that the person feels held, while also encouraging them to trust in the connection without needing constant proof. Over time, that internal trust builds, and the desperate need for proximity softens.
Of course, for this to happen, the relationship itself must be safe. And this is hard - because someone with an insecure attachment will test that safety again and again. This is why, as parents, there is a responsibility to create the necessary security early on, while the foundation of attachment is still forming.
So the paradox is that a parent who drops everything to meet every anxious demand isn’t actually providing real security - they may be soothing distress in the moment, but they’re reinforcing the fear that separation is unsafe. True foundational security comes from allowing the child to leave and return repeatedly, so they internalise the sense that the connection is reliable, even in absence.
If this safety is established in childhood, the child can internalise it and carry it forward. But if it isn’t, they grow into an adult still searching for it - still testing, still needing constant reassurance - only now, they are seeking it from partners, friends, or even their own children, who, no matter how loving, cannot provide the kind of foundational security that should have been established in childhood. That security didn’t come from constant availability or the absence of boundaries - it came from knowing the relationship was safe enough to withstand separation, that the connection remained intact even when the caregiver wasn’t immediately present.
Without that early foundation, it becomes desperately difficult to form meaningful relationships in adulthood, because the very act of seeking security can start to strain or break the very connections that are meant to provide it.
The good news is, we can, as adults, develop learned secure attachment. It takes conscious effort, but it is possible - through therapy and intentional relationship work, we can rewire old patterns and build a deeper sense of trust and safety within ourselves. If this resonates with you, I am here for sessions for those who want to do this work.