Do you ever find yourself caught up in someone else’s world - endlessly thinking about what they’re feeling, why they act a certain way, or what’s going on in their life? Maybe it feels like your world and theirs have become so tangled that it’s hard to know where one stops and the other begins. Or perhaps you feel the opposite - that someone is stepping too far into your world, leaving you feeling exposed, overwhelmed, or unsure of how to set limits.
Enmeshment, codependency & family dynamics
It’s easy to feel stuck in this space, where connection starts to feel less like healthy closeness or intimacy (if in an intimate relationship) and more like entanglement. You might find yourself wondering, “How much do I share? Where do I draw the line? How do I keep my sense of self without shutting others out or causing a problem?” These aren’t always easy questions to answer, especially if you’ve grown up in a family where boundaries were blurred.
In some families, emotional over-involvement is the norm. Everyone’s thoughts and feelings are treated as communal property, as if the family owns you. This kind of dynamic can feel like a psychic intrusion, where others assume the right to know everything about your inner world. You might even feel like someone is occupying your headspace - or you theirs. . you think about what they’re thinking, they assume to know your inner world and have claim to the real estate of your internal landscape and you feel an unspoken obligation to tell them what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, planning or have a sense that you don’t fully own your inner life..
This often comes with a sense of guilt. You might feel you haven’t shared enough with them, or even feel conflicted about being closer to others outside the family. For a child in this kind of family, it can feel like branching out on your own isn’t okay without constantly checking back in or letting others know what’s happening. This dynamic is sometimes referred to as covert incest - a term that sounds dramatic but points to an unhealthy over-closeness, where emotional boundaries are blurred in ways that can feel uncomfortable, intrusive and stifling.
Blurred boundaries often mean the family operates as a single entity rather than a group of distinct individuals. People stop being seen and valued as unique, separate beings with their own lives, thoughts, and contributions. Instead, they’re absorbed into a shared identity. Ironically there is a sense of knowing everything about each other and being very close though in fact each individual isn't really known at all - to themselves or to each other because they are so indistinct and there is not enough psychic space for each individual to fully express and hold their uniquenesses. The result is that the freedom to express yourself as a separate person is lost, replaced by an expectation to conform or over-share. This over-involvement doesn’t just affect the individuals within the family - it can also make it difficult to form truly intimate connections outside of it. If your emotional energy is tied up in an enmeshed dynamic, you may find that you’re not fully available to build healthy, close bonds with others. A great deal is lost in this perceived closeness.
Reclaiming your Identity
As Viktor Frankl writes in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Your inner world - your thoughts, feelings, and private experiences - is yours alone. It’s your sanctuary, and sharing it should always be an intentional choice, not an expectation.
When boundaries are blurred, it’s easy to lose sight of this. Over-investing in someone else’s emotional world or allowing others to intrude on yours can lead to unhealthy dynamics. Without boundaries, relationships can feel draining, overwhelming, or even unsafe. And when blurred boundaries have shaped your experience, it can distort your sense of what’s healthy or acceptable.
This distortion can have lasting effects. You might find yourself drawn to people who don’t respect boundaries, compromising your emotional safety. Or, without clear boundaries, you might unintentionally upset others by crossing lines you didn’t even realise were there.
Breaking free from these patterns starts with awareness and intentionality. It’s about consciously recognising where you end and others begin, and respecting that separation. Ask yourself: What feels healthy for me? What’s reasonable for others to expect of me? Where do I draw the line to protect my emotional well-being?
Healthy Boundaries modelling Consent
Healthy boundaries aren’t walls - they’re bridges. They preserve your individuality while allowing you to connect with others in meaningful ways. When boundaries are clear, consent becomes central to your relationships. Sharing your inner world becomes an intentional act, grounded in trust and respect, rather than something assumed or expected.
Healthy relationships thrive on this kind of mutual respect. They create space for intimacy without enmeshment, trust without obligation, and connection without control. By recognising and untangling blurred boundaries, you can build relationships that are safe, balanced, and deeply fulfilling.
By learning to establish and maintain boundaries, you create a solid foundation for all types of relationships - romantic, familial, or otherwise. Boundaries help you engage in relationships that are healthy, safe, and respectful because you’re clear on where you end and someone else begins. When you operate from this position - centred in yourself, recognising where you end and someone else starts, not intruding and not allowing others to intrude without consent and intentionality - you become a safe other, and people sense it.
By establishing boundaries, you also create a sense of embodied, separate identity. This is another reason you become a safe other - you’re grounded and sovereign in yourself. People can get a clear sense of who you are as a person because your edges are no longer diffuse. There’s a consistency and steadiness in your presence, because you’re no longer overly influenced by the energy of others in the way you might have been when enmeshed. This grounded clarity makes you trustable and creates the foundation for truly meaningful, secure relationships.
How codependency can jeopardise maintaining personal integrity
Another impact of blurred boundaries or enmeshment is that setting boundaries may feel so difficult/impossible even - that you may find yourself trying to carve out a sense of freedom in ways that take you out of integrity. This might look like telling small mistruths, withholding truths or avoiding direct communication.
While these strategies to preserve autonomy may feel like temporary solutions, they ultimately undermine your self-esteem and ability to live truthfully, honourably and fully. The only way to create true freedom is to set and hold your boundaries with clarity, even when doing so feels uncomfortable or when others react negatively. Otherwise you can end up holding back parts of yourself from the world at large to maintain a sense of psychic space and safety, and not get to fully own your life force and be the fullest most expressive authentic version of yourself.
Relational systems - whether families, partnerships, or other close connections with these diffuse boundary systems often operate like a single energetic organism. So when you shift your position by establishing your self as a seperate being with new healthy boundaries, it disrupts the system. The “organism” inevitably pushes back and resists this change, almost like an animal trying to pull you back into the role it knows. This resistance can be challenging to navigate because it forces others in the system to confront their own growth. But by holding firm and staying in integrity, you ultimately do a service to the entire system. You become a way-shower, demonstrating what healthy boundaries look like and creating space for others to grow into healthier dynamics and the truth of themselves and potentially as individuated beings also. Sitting with the discomfort of knowing that other people are experiencing negative reactions, is at the heart of this personal growth work and an almost inevitable aspect to your freedom and utlimately theirs too.
